The Doctor Who “Wilderness Years” were a fertile time for independent audio series. Among the most obscure was musician Peter Trapani's Layton's Mission. Although it held no licensed connection to the Doctor Who Universe, it successfully featured actors well-known for their work on the show, including Colin Baker and Anneke Wills.
Ultimately, though, the series became infamous not for its plot, but for the eccentric, offensive, and frequently deranged behavior of its creator. This real-life controversy inspired Kaldor City creator Alan Stevens to launch a subtle parody: he skewered Trapani in the third episode, “Hidden Persuaders,” creating the maniacal inventor Leighton.
Now, with Mr. Stevens' kind permission, here is the story of Leighton's last moments, delivered from his own disturbed point of view.
i, leighton, present resident of westmare township, hereby do make my testament unto this world that i have been UTTERLY FUCKED OVER BY EVERYBODY. i, a humble man and AVOWED SEXUAL NORMATIVE, devoted subject of whatever government i happen to live under, an artist scientist and deliverer of visions, have been targeted by a conspiracy of SEXUALLY DISTURBED PEOPLE who have a strong intent towards rendering me unable to produce my gifts. this includes the use of such illegal and devious methods as MACHINE TELEPATHY, a machine by which without proper crystal shielding one’s inner thoughts and feelings, such as they are, are exposed to what we shall call so-called “mind piracy” (MP). thoughts are like downloads and can be shared over illegal piratical frequencies, and so one’s product can be ripped out and sold to the highest bidder before it can even get a release. and as such a conspiracy was placed against me when future previews were taken (PIRATED!!) by M(ind)P(irate)s which revealed my invention of what was likely a tremendous physical revolution in robot invention, a hexomanual polydirective assistance droid, and used a complex system of CHISELS to remove density from the floorboards of the office of a certain prominent executive upon whose patronage this humble creator was depending! causing embarrassment upon embarrassment when the expensive equipment broke through the damaged floor and provoked a completely unjustified threat of civil action and an order of restraint. since then, this party has taken it upon himself to organize a letter-writing campaign to the figure in question urging and in some regrettable cases ordering him to reconsider his standing on the matter. this, due probably in no small part to the conspiracy of SEX DEVIANT MPs, has not produced any observable results to date. similar attempts to pitch the assistance droid to buyers have turned up what we professionals call ZIP ZILCH AND NADA, again very likely probably due to activities by said mental terrorists.
but you’re shortsighted in the head if you believe that i preach this testament merely to spill my bile against the sick sick fucking disgusting practices of bureaucrats and power mad mental aberrants. no it is to reveal the roots of the vast conspiracy AS A WHOLE that these words are penned; for i, a man, am of uncommon origins and have yet to reveal the full nature of such due to a combination of emotional paranoia (my fault, unfortunate) and worries of exposure opening me to the forces that i shall henceforth call The Network. i feel i shall die soon in spirit if not in body and so let me tell you why those bastards and blooddrinking religious parasites target us by striking at the mind: consider a complex conspiratorial machine under which manufacturing ideas that defy opposition to the concept of the fourth dimensional cube are no longer considered socially “practical” or scientifically “sound.” yes, to many, the idea of a four part cube upon which time is imprinted is INSANE but only due to subversive mechanical subscripts etched in the social “conscience.” listen and learn……
